#IAmComplicit

"A product of its time" is not an excuse, but it is a reason. I am embarrassed about some ways I've contributed to the culture. I can only apologize.

The Facts of Life, my very, very favorite show, a show that I believe was hugely ahead of its time regarding its commentary on many social issues of the time, a show that can do just about no wrong in my eyes, is guilty of minimizing sexual assault and contributing to rape culture.

In Part 1 of the 2-Part fourth season finale "Graduation" (1983), Roy the delivery man makes an appearance. His unrequited crush on Jo is a running joke for a couple of seasons (the entire storyline is problematic and will be discussed elsewhere). In this episode, Roy arrives announcing that he has a graduation present for Jo. What is it?

Following Jo's assault, the other girls proceed to make jokes about and to make fun of Jo for "kissing" Roy! Jo tells them that it's not a laughing matter, but no one makes the connection to the last time Jo was sexually assaulted or to the time Natalie was the victim of an attempted rape.

The phrase "a product of its time" is meaningful. It is certainly not an excuse for sexual assault. It is hard to explain what I am trying to say without sounding like a rape apologist.

It makes me cringe to sound like Harvey "It was a different time" Weinstein, but here's my go at it:

Until very recently, the narratives that are present in many of these stories (e.g., "casting couch," Madonna/whore dichotomy, woman=prey/man=predator) generally went unquestioned. I did not question them. I was part of an entire society that accepted this as business as usual uncritically, and thus I cannot claim total innocence for the society that led to today's shocking news that Al Franken (at least) once assaulted someone too.

He has acknowledged it and apologized. It won't be enough for a lot of people. Many of us will wail "NOOOOOOOOOO!" I hope we can also discuss this part of the victim's story: 

"Like many USO shows before and since, the skits were full of sexual innuendo geared toward a young, male audience."

Yes, Al Franken's behavior was inexcusable. But a broader problem is uncritical equation of "sexual innuendo" and "young male audience." It's also a problem that a military audience defaults to "young [cis] male" because of the assumptions that we've clung to for so long and still struggle to shed. I believe it's mired in cultural norms that cling to sexual repression, heteronormativity, and a binary view of gender.

I'm willing to wager that the vast majority of us have done something to perpetuate those norms, and thus to the culture that immediately dismisses accusers (and worse). We should all be prepared for such stories to come out about our heroes.

I am grateful that we're now having these conversations. They are long overdue.

I am also concerned that we are not really going to make any progress until each of us is prepared to acknowledge our own complicity, and forgive ourselves and others whose passivity or even participation contributed to the perpetuation of the culture. Let's not jump straight into "I would NEVER!" and instead think about whether we actually might have done so.

And if we have, we can't undo it; we can only sincerely apologize. I'll close by listing a few of my transgressions:

High School: I sexually harassed a middle-school boy.

Teens-early 20s: I repeated jokes about rape and domestic violence that I refuse to write here or repeat ever again.

20s: My first day at a new job in a female-dominated office, I commented that one of the three young men in the office, who'd been assigned to carry a table at an event, must be "the office beefcake." 

30s: Every time we had to take sexual harassment training at work, I thought it was funny to say, "I don't need to take sexual harassment training. I'm already very good at it."

A critical fact is that I, like Franken, acknowledge the bad behavior and apologize for it, rather than trying to justify it. These stories are true, and are they embarrassing. I hope that those who thought better of me before reading this allow that I have grown since these things and I deeply regret them. 

There's no way I can phrase that that doesn't sound like a Twitter apology.