Friday, July 8, 2016

An apology from a worthless ally

“Another black man was executed by the police last night.”

“I heard – the guy selling CDs.”

“No, another one. in Minnesota.”

Alton Sterling. Philando Castile. The latest two names on a list that I was going to try to write out here, but I don’t know how to do it right. How far back should I go? What about all the ones we don’t know about?


 “Seriously, fuck a white ally, I need a white accomplice, freedom fighter, revolutionary on our sides. The march I want to see go down: white folks marching on every damn police station in this country and shutting it down, filling up the jails, stopping the flow of traffic and disrupting commerce. It's not like we won't be out there, we always are, but can you all really step up in ways you have never imagined and take arrests, hits and blows, we need a rest. P.S. if this offends you, too bad. We are getting killed every 28 hours and less by the people that we pay to serve and protect.” – Rosa Clemente, via Facebook

I’m a person of color, but few know that by looking, and I get the attendant privilege that comes with being perceived as white. I once was driving in downtown Denver with two young black men – a colleague in the CU admissions office and a student volunteer – when we got pulled over for nothing. Once the cop ascertained that I was there of my own free will and we were heading toward a work event, he let us go.

When I moved to the mountains, I knew that I would likely be forfeiting an opportunity to be the boots on the ground fighting injustice. I was ready to make that choice; I don’t have the energy or the courage to be eyeball deep in the battle. I have chosen an easier life; one that I know I’m outrageously privileged to have access to. If I had gone to law school right out of college, I would have graduated at 25, and I think it’s likely that I would have been more involved in direct action. Instead, I have volunteered with various organizations assisting the movement and I stood with my school for a Black Lives Matter statement. Small things, but I’m told it’s better than nothing.

To the people who are doing the work on the ground: the protestors; the organizers; the civil rights attorneys and criminal defense attorneys and other lawyers who use their profession in service of the battle: please know that I admire you. I fantasized about being one of you in another life, but I ended up choosing a different path. I envy you for the real, meaningful work that you’re doing. I don’t envy you for how incredibly difficult it is.

To my black friends: I can’t imagine having to endure what you must. I don’t know how you go outside and manage to live normal lives with this burden and fear. It feels hollow to say “I stand with you.” I do, though. I hope I’m not part of the problem at least. Please tell me if I am.

To my friends who are parents of black children, and also to my friends who have decided not to be parents at all because it’s too dangerous to bring a black body into this world: I don’t even know what to say to you. I can’t tell you, “Everything will be OK; it won’t happen to your child; don’t worry.” It won’t, it might, and you should. My heart breaks for you.


To my friends who are cops: There are only a couple of you, and I know you had your own reasons for choosing the career you did. But you can’t be quiet any longer. You can’t continue to exist in what you know is a corrupt system without speaking out against its worst offenses. You need to stand together and condemn these executions, you need to be suspicious of any of your brothers and sisters in blue who refuse to do so, and you need to directly challenge them. You need to make the police department a place that doesn’t tolerate racism. Existing while black is not supposed to be more dangerous than being a cop.

I have no idea what to do now. Am I even useful as an ally, given the limited amount I’m willing to engage? In the milieu of Facebook commentary, one BLM mover said that any acknowledgment helps, so I hashtagged and posted this excellent essay from a friend of a friend, and I penned this.

Epilogue: I woke up Friday morning to edit this piece before publishing it, and I learned about Dallas. More deaths, more gun violence. And this from a former congressman.


 Fuck. If you need me, I’ll be hiding out in the mountains.

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